Mae.

Lately I've been wondering "What the fuck am I doing with my life?"


Every now and then I have these episodes of confusion about my life, but I never fucking do anything about it. I'm just a lazy shit. But it does seriously depress me for a period of time. Y'all probably know about that already.  But sometimes I feel like that there's this alternate version of me that's fabulous and jet setting and confident and not afraid to talk to guys. And lemme tell you, she is a tease.
God, I think we all have that perfect version of us that we use in our fantasies of certain situations. This perfect version of me, let's call her Mae (it's the second half of my second name), always seems to know what to say to come off as a social butterfly. And by perfect, no way in hell is she a Mary Sue. She's not super nice to everyone and she doesn't get all the guys, but if you took me and perfected the qualities that I now possess and even omitted some (such as my laziness and sloppy habits) then you get Mae. She's not afraid to talk to new people or interact with authorities. And she is so goddamn witty. The way she talks could make up a script for an indie film. That's how witty she is. You know those lines you think of hours later and you're like, "DAMN! I should have said that!" Well Mae has no problem with that because her mouth shoots faster than Hit Girl. Yeah. I just compared Mae to Hit Girl. That's how fucking serious I am.
Now Mae, she is GOING places. She may not be entirely sure what her destination is yet, but she sure as hell won't let that get to her. No, she is taking control of her life and making the journey for herself. She is making new friends, joining all the clubs, acing all her classes, organising her life to a T, and guess what? She has a motherfucking boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND. And he is a fucking good kisser, too. Girl, be jelly. He isn't the greatest catch out there, but at least he's someone who likes her and who she likes back. Plus, boy can dance. 
Anyway, Mae? She is a flawless figment of my imagination and I hate her for only existing in my head. Now if she actually lived as a separate being from me I'd probably hate her for existing but in my mind, Mae is me. And I hate my mind for creating such a perfect me because she is so goddamn unattainable. She always knows what to say and do at the right moments.

But what I hate most about her is that she is so goddamn supportive. I'll be sitting there in class and I overhear someone say something and Mae will be all like
"Say this! People will like you more and think you're funny!" 
And I'll be all shy and timid but she'll be persistent and say
"Come on! Think of the circumstances. Embrace your inner awesomeness!" 
Then I decide "What's the harm?" and right when I'm about to say this apparently witty sentence that Mae has come up for me, it becomes completely out of context.

And of course there are times when I haven't said something or said something lame and then later when I think about it our conversation goes
Mae: You should have said this instead, man.
Me: Yeah. I know. Leave me alone.
The best for instance I can think of that happened recently was last Monday when I was trying to catch the bus. I missed it the first time around so I planned to catch it at the second stop. My dad offered to drive me but I said no. My mom decided then to put her two cents in.
Mom: She has a boyfriend on the bus.
Me: No, Mom. I just don't want to miss the bus. Besides, I have to talk to Maryan (not entirely false).
Mae (being the hilarious bitch she is): No, Mom! That was last year (also not entirely false).
Wouldn't that have been so fucking hilarious to see my mom react to? Mae thought so.

Then there are also those instances when I know something is going to happen and I'm trying to think of how I want things to go down, but Mae is on the scene and making things happen the way she wants them to. And when the situation is over everyone goes off thinking, "Oh that Mae! She's so funny and intelligent!" and I'm like "Fuck yeah! This is exactly what I'm going to do tomorrow." Then the next day I'm mentally preparing myself but somehow it never goes the way the way I want it to. It's fucking frustrating as hell. Sometimes the end result is good anyway, but it usually never is. Meanwhile Mae in my head is smirking with her arms crossed saying, "Shit yeah, bitch."

Sometimes I just want to punch her, a figment of my imagination.

TWGS ♥