Notebook Musings

Hey kids! I'm back again!
I really hope you all forgive me for not posting in a REALLLY long time.
I honestly don't have a very solid excuse for my lack of postage.

You know what? To make it up for you I'm gonna give you some chocolate!
Here you go!
Okay well that's not really chocolate, but it's yummy right?
And for those of you who read but don't ever comment.
A special something for you.
Yeah. That's from the Big Man himself, as well.
So please comment! I see over 150 views on my hit counter, but no one ever comments!
It makes me sad.

Pfft. Who said you needed a video for visual examples?

So I have no idea what this blog post is about. I just felt like posting since I was actually ONLINE for once.
Let's make that habit, shall we? Anytime I am at a physical computer for more than ten minutes, I am going to post something. If you see me online (facebook, a tweet from the web/chromed bird and not my phone, MNI, etc...) and there is no post, you have every right to come and yell at me.
These posts can be something very thought provoking, completely random, or only one word long (Although I highly doubt I'll be able to contain myself). I just want to make sure that you have a dose of Gemmieness in your veins.

What is Gemmieness you ask?
"Gemmieness" can be loosely defined as "the sum of all things perverted, random, angsty, Fall Out Boy FANtics, book-loving, crazy, and just plain weird with a slight hint of intelligent humour."
I shall make that a thing one day.

Speaking of angsty, this week was Finals week and today marks my first day of winter break (which I plan to sleep through). Lucky for you, I just might post more.
However my point in bringing up the fact that it was finals week is that after finishing my last final, I had no idea what to do. Deciding to write, I pull out my awesome writing notebook but found I had no muse to write whatsoever. Instead I look through previous writings which I find rather interesting to read through many months in the future. Today, I shall share them with you!
My notebook is generally short, so I'll share everything I have written in it, excluding my Vladimir Tod fanfic which I for some reason did not finish (it's about their prom night, in case you were wondering) and what I intended to be the first blog I posted after my short hiatus. Plus I have some random drawings in there that you unfortunately will not be able to see, but otherwise my notebook is completely open to you (and all my angst that comes with it).

Info: What I intend to be the beginning of the first book in that trilogy I hope to write one day.
A flash.
To lose everything you know to be true in a single instant is the most scarring loss. It comes quietly, sliding in when you least expect It and taking root inside you until It alters your life completely. "It" can be anything - your parents' divorce, a single cigarette offered to you, learning that you have an incurable disease.
For me, "It" came in a flash.
One second I am normal, and in the next I am a freak.
See, the thing is, I can read minds.
I can also feel what others are feeling by the slightest brush of skin.
It is a miracle, really, that I am even still alive. Most people would die, others come out considerably normal. But I'm not normal. I am stuck floating between the two, possibly not even fully human. All because of that single instant.
The worst part of these incidents? You don't even realize what it does to you until it is too late to reverse it.

Info: An entry I wrote when I was angry at my mommy for threatening to sell my dogs. This did not end well.
Swish and clank.
The bars of the door allow a limited view of the Outside. But there is no denying the truth of these bars. They weren't made for viewing and scenic purposes. They were meant as a locked cage.
For imprisoning.
Cages were made for criminals and the mentally insane. The jailers rule with an iron fist, unwavering and unattached to the constant wails and pleas that would protrude behind those bars almost nonstop for periods at a time. But sometimes the cages should hold the jailers. Their iron firsts will turn to grips of lead, preying on the innocent and helpless. Bloodthirsty and ruthless, their rampage continues to no end until everyone is gone.
It's because of them that cages aren't just meant for imprisoning anymore. Those thrown inside were left to be locked in. But the ones occupying the inside can find a certain safe haven.
Cages can also keep the jailers out.


Info: A poem describing my teen anger. No real title to this. Probably going to name it "Waiting"
*I don't feel like writing it out in the same format as it is on the page, so every / stands for a line break. Every line break in this post stands for a new stanza.
Waiting./ Always the same./ Just sitting./ Only waiting./ For a beginning./ For an end./ For a sign./ Something./ Anything./ Everything.
How can I be alive/ When I'm not living?/ I've been asleep./ I am asleep/ And now I'm waiting./ Waiting to wake up/ Because I just can't do it myself./ Not right now.
If this is my crisis/ Then I'm halfway through life./ Maybe I'm still climbing/ And I haven't reached the peak./ I can't make it/ When I'm just waiting./ The peak's not coming to me./ I have to come to the peak.

Info: A second poem on the same page, but upside-down. I stopped in the middle of it to write, "And I suck at poetry...." because I was just angry at myself for lack of quality or flow. No title for this either.
Love./ Noun./ Definition?/ Unknown./ No one knows./ How it feels?/ I couldn't tell you./ But I know,/ Unlike everyone else./ I know if its power./ It's nothing to be toyed with./ Love is a bomb/ Ready to be set off./ There's a time to let it go./ But anytime before is disastrous.

Info: A third poem on the back of the other two. I wrote this right when one of my er... "acquaintances" I suppose, started dating this guy I really really liked at the time. Although to think of it, I probably didn't have a reason for liking him other than the fact that he's pretty damn hot (which is a really good reason!)
Frustration./ Indecision./ Why/ Is/ This/ Happening?/ Uncharted feelings./ Dormant emotions./ A whole new existence./ One not thought of before./ At least not by me.
Screwed over./ I set myself off to lose./ Set myself up for disappointment./ This is what happens.
Tears./ Hatred./ One friend less/ All because of a face/ One that might as well be nameless./ One without an identity./ And I screwed myself over./
I hate Monday Mornings.
*I edited some of that because it was all just one big blob. And yes, this happened on a Monday morning.

Info: Ranty rants. I had writers block so I just started writing what was in my head.
Just so you know, a lot of these next couple entries will be about the event that inspired the previous poem.
Whatever happened to straight up confrontation? Everyone always relies on Facebook now to do dirty work for them, yet when it comes to real life situations, everything is always awkward and no one is really a friend. They're just a number. Friend number six. Friend number 58. Friend number 232. "I don't really know you, and I kind of hate you, but I'll add you anyway so I look popular. But really, I'd rather see you falling in a chasm and rotting there for the rats to pick up the remains." Nothing is real anymore. No one knows who their real friend are who they can trust. Reality is just a state of mind now. It's filled with pointless drama and petty arguments that don't really mean anything. The biggest insult now is deleting a person from their friend list. Way to get the point across.
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts...
I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I wouldn't sing of love if it does not exist...
I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here....
What the hell happened to my views? I'm becoming  the posterchild of everything I hate - the frivolity of the so-called teenage love. The drama and the mindless hurt. I mean, it's pointless. Now I'm crying at the bitter truth of The Only Exception. God, I hate that band for its commercial popularity and the fact that everyone sports some type of their merchandise when they only really know one song. Now I'm crying over a song that should mean nothing to me. I don't even know this kid. He's little more than a face that I pass by in the morning. The amount of time we've talked to each other equals half an hour. The chances were slim, but somehow she got to be in that.

Info: A series of notes my friend and I passed to each other during World History. Oh God. She's SO kill me if she saw this on here! BUT TOO BAD!
If only you still liked Gary...
I kinda do...
Whaaatt?? Way to tell me. JK, dude.
Like I don't want to, but I can't really help it.
I hate that feeling. Like seriously, I'm pissed off at myself for liking a guy I don't know for superficial reasons.
The "M" guy?
Nah. i have good reason for crushing on him. I'm talking about That Guy.
Oh, haha. You're in love ♥
NO! That's a lie. "In love' is a term I'm not using til I know what I'm feeling and all confusion is gone. The L-bomb should be used warily.
=) Yeah. I Know what you mean. I think it takes a long time to fall in love. People just fall in lust.
Exactly! But at the point of my views, I'd have to be in a relationship for 5 yrs before marrying.
Mine's at least 3 years.
Godspeed, dude.
I really want to talk to That Guy right now.
At least you can! I'm not going to be stalkerish and add a random dude on Facebook... til this weekend.
This weekend? Nice. Dude, you can so talk to him if you wanted to.
Uh huh. HOW?
When you see him in the hall say hi and start a conversation.
That's funny, Bri. You act as though I have the confidence to do so.
Dude you never know.
... Your optimism is harshing my pessimism. and pessimism is just a term for "firm grip on reality."
You don't. Do you see him at all in the day?
Only in the morning.
....hmmm. You don't see him in the halls?
Like once in awhile. Besides he doesn't know me!
He knows you. Just not that well.
* In case you're wondering, I never did add him.
Oh That Guy, how you used to plague my thoughts and dreams.
If you're also wondering, they're no longer together. Brielle told me to go for it.
Well, he did sit next to me at the Art Club party.... XD

Info: Another rant. This time on how utterly dull my life is.
Sometimes I feel like a phone that's just about to run out of batter. But when my battery is about to die, I can't find the charger. I tell my father that my battery died and he asks jokingly, "Should we hold a funeral for it?"
I have been sucked dry.
I have no muse to draw. I have no muse to write. I don't even have the muse to read. So what have I been doing for the past couple of weeks?
Sleep.
I only have the muse to sleep. Just to sleep and lose myself within myself. Because when I am awake my mind batters itself with swirling thoughts and questions that I can't share with anyone. I come up with pretend scenarios in my head that will never come true. I drone on in school, unsure of what to do while this fantasy world plays in my head, coming up with pathetic little quips I would never be able to say in real life. My God, what have I been doing? These past few weeks have been a blur of teen angst and frustration. But because of what? Some melodramatic extremity that, again, would probably never happen?
But wait. It did happen. Just not to me. Because I have holed myself up in a little safe zone that I never put a toenail out of. I won't be that crazy old lady with 52 cats because I already am one. As well as a gray-toned middle aged man that works in a dull office cubicle everyday, just waiting for that heart attack to come and claim my life.
And I want to change, I really do, but how am I supposed to start? I have absolutely nothing to live for; I've no goal set in mind. I am just doing what all good little 13 year old high schoolers do - go to school, pretend to learn something, get good grades.
Dear Lord. The middle aged man in me is going through his Mid-Life Crisis. How sad it would be to actually be going through that at this age and knowing that you peaked too early long ago. So what do people going through such a stage do? Hang on to their youth. Dye their gray hairs, buy expensive cars, dress in sexy clothes... all that good stuff.
But how am I supposed to hang on to my youth when I didn't know I had one in the first place? It completely skipped over me.
It's time for a change.
*I love how I never really did change...

So I don't know if you're still here after all that, but if you are I love you for loving me enough to read all that (or at least skim through it).
It is now 1:10 AM, December 18. I think I am going to retire upstairs now.

TWGS ♥

I hope that makes your life better.