Every now and then I like to look back at things I've kept. I have boxes and folders and drawers stuffed with old sketchbooks and cards and journals and notes. I haul each of things from one apartment to another, year after year. And though I always move house without the help of movers, I can never bring myself to throw away these mostly untouched items. I keep them because they are a time capsule. They capture who I was at the moment I wrote them. I've written or drawn about everything - my fears, my hopes, things I'm grateful for, things I'm excited for, the thoughts I have while on the precipice of a mental breakdown. Whenever I go through these for review, I often find that I am not the same person. Me of the past has nothing and everything to do with me of the present. Keeping these pieces of my past reminds me to keep things in perspective.
That's why I keep this blog. It was who I was at 15 and, briefly, who I was at 21. But now at 27, I'm much further removed from both of those people. Almost everything I said in the previous retrospect became a lie. Things happened that I never would have expected (like a global pandemic). Life threw me for a loop and my reactions to these changes surprised me. There was a period of time where the thought of ending it all was the loudest and realest thought in my head. Luckily, that thought never turned to action. And I'm so thankful that it didn't, because in the 15 years since I started dealing with recurring depression, this is the longest I have ever felt happy (close to 2 years, if anyone's counting).
I know it's very likely that this streak will end. I will fight so hard to make sure it doesn't, but so much of what happens in life is out of your control. I can't guarantee my future happiness. I can't even guarantee that what makes me happy now will continue making me happy. I can only hope that when I find myself at the bottom of a pit again, I have the strength to climb back out. But maybe what I can offer my future self now is a road map to how I got out last time.
Dear future self,
For most of 2021, I cried every day and contemplated death more and more each time I did. In retrospect, Bella dying on January 10 was a very inauspicious start to the year. But in 2023, I smile more often than I cry. Dread is replaced with hope. I won't pretend the path from point A to point B was easy, but at least I know that it is possible. If you find yourself back to square one, this is how I found my way to where I am now.
Change Your Situation
So instead of waiting around for others to change or for my feelings to change about it, I moved out. I was lucky enough to find my own inexpensive place close to where I was working at the time. It was hard to adjust at first, but David and I were too stubborn to break up and we made it work. And it worked really well. I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. My space was entirely my own. It helps that Macy's mom moved to Illinois, too, and started to take care of her on the weekends.
Later, we found a duplex that was renting out both units. We essentially live together again, but I have my space, and they have theirs. There was an adjustment period to this situation, too, but we make it work. I have my time and activities, and they have theirs. We can do things together or separately, and both are okay. The situation you find yourself in is mostly luck, but you do have the power to change it if you didn't like the dice you rolled.
Accept Yourself
Contrary to the last point, I don't think changing yourself is possible. You can change your living situation or your job, but you are fundamentally who you are, growth mindset be damned. Finding real, sustainable change in yourself is more so about figuring out how your brain is wired to work and using that to create supports that work for you.
This is easier said than done, but somehow a flip just switched in me one day. Once I changed my situation, I was on my own. I had to figure out how to do things by myself. I knew myself well enough to know how my brain worked and what I had a tendency to do. Even now, though I'm a different person than I was when I was 15, I have the same tendencies in behavior. Instead of wishing that I was different, like I had the previous 25 years of life, I just started working with I had.
I remember crying in my kitchen one day because I was eating a sad dinner of eggs and rice at like 8 pm. I was crying because I thought I was pathetic for only doing that much for a meal. But I also distinctly remember saying to myself, "This is the best I can do right now, and at least I'm eating." That train of thought stuck with me.
Just for reference, future self, I think you have ADHD. I know everyone thinks that about themselves now that the internet has robbed us all of longer attention spans, but genuinely I think you've had it all along. All of your quirks and "bad" habits could be explained by ADHD. Everything that you hated about yourself growing up was likely a symptom of ADHD. But that's just how it is.
Find a Community
Turns out you're an extravert. I know, it's super shocking. You're a shy one, but an extravert, nonetheless. You love being connected to other people and being part of a community. If you find yourself in a pit, it's likely because you lost those connections. Find those again, and you'll be able to climb out of the pit.
Some strategies that have worked for me are to reconnect with old friends and to get involved with your local community. I hope you still live in Elgin because it is so easy to find something to be involved in with other like-minded people (also, I love Elgin so much please do not move elsewhere in the future). Volunteer for something. Text someone you haven't talked to in a while. Make plans to get a coffee with someone. Go to a city council meeting. Check Facebook for the next local event. Heck, even just spend some time walking around your neighborhood and looking at everything from a different angle. Doing these things regularly has helped me strengthen my connection to the world around me.
Create Stuff
I firmly believe that the meaning of life is creation. Genuinely, our evolutionary purpose is to repopulate and create new life. All forms of creation beyond that are an attempt fo fulfill that need. Of course, as previously stated, you can't be a mother. So go make anything else.
Being in art school burned me from ever wanting to create on my own time. There was too much pressure to be perfect. But you don't have to be perfect to create something for yourself. You can do literally anything you want as long as your hands are busy making stuff. Even in the pandemic, when I was unemployed and losing hope, I had a lot of fun putting together a miniature dollhouse kit.
And because I know you, lean into whatever new hobby sparks your interest. I don't care what it is, indulge in it. I know it's going to be something creative and you're gonna be too cheap to get all the materials for it, but figure out how to do it and just fucking do it. Don't worry if it's only going to last a month like it normally does. It doesn't matter. Just make it happen.
Here's a prompt for you, if you're stuck on what to make. Get out a piece of paper and something(s) to draw with. Or maybe cut out some magazines or make a diorama. What would a happy future look like or feel like? And when you're done visualizing that, write about what you can do to make it a reality.
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Future self, I hope you live in this period of happiness for several more years. But even if you don't, I know you can find yourself in a new period of happiness again. Remember that when you faced the darkest of days, the brightest ones you've ever had were just beyond them.
Good luck, and I love you.
TWGS ♥
