I can't believe it's been seven years since I've had this blog. It doesn't feel like it's been that long, but I'm a very different person from who I was back then. I've merely grown up. Now it pains me to go through memory lane of the two years I wrote for this blog because 1) I was very obnoxious. Who let people on the internet write that way? and 2) It hurts me to see and relive all of the pain and insecurities I felt as a teenager that was only thinly veiled by sad attempts at humour.
But the truth is that I haven't felt the way I did as a sophomore in a really long time. I spent so much of my youth so sad and confused. I got hung up on things that didn't even really matter. I never would have known back then that by 21 I would actually be very happy with my life. I have a major that I love. I have a strong support system. I'm more confident and sure of myself. I have a boyfriend of three years whom I intend to marry. I have taken a chance on myself and my career to take an internship in a city I've never been to before and I am killing it. And while I could certainly complain about a lot of things, I can't complain about any of the things that I used to when I was honestly just a kid. I wish I could go back and tell 15 year old me that it really does get better. I wish I could tell her not to be so afraid of time or change because you need them to really begin to heal.
I showed my boyfriend this blog and pointed specifically to the post titled "Mae" because it saddened me the most to read. After reading it he said, "I think you ended up becoming Mae." And while I think my past self would have been so flattered to know that, I just don't think that's true. I'm still shy and awkward. I still wish I could just be better at being witty and not so nervous around people. I still have moments where all the insecurities I have bubbles up in me and boils over. I'm just no longer miserable. I've learned to count my blessings instead of damning my curses because I really am so, so lucky to have what I have. I just wish that younger me recognized this sooner.
I can't say if all the pain I went through was necessary to make me who I am today. It wasn't something I overcame; it was just something that melted away as I got older. But I can say that my past self didn't have to worry so much. I don't understand why I clung so desperately to the present back then when it sucked so much. I didn't have to fear what lay ahead of me because everything is so much better than it was.
TWGS ♥
