July 1, 2010
My mind works mysteriously. It thinks in different ways – whether it be snarky and sarcastic, deep and poetic, inquisitive and wondering, or just plain perverted and wrong (which is pretty often, I must admit). Or it can think in different forms: in pictures, words, past, present, narrating my own story. Whatever way it works, there are always times when I wish that there was some sort of way to record everything that is going on in my mind. It sure would make remembering thing a heck of a lot easier and make life seem so much simpler. But when I’m lying in bed, reading to pass the time until the sun came up, I have this feeling that washes over me like the rinse cycle on the washing machine (speaking of which, my mom’s laundry is done). I get this feeling that is so alive. I feel like I can do anything, set goals and accomplish them. The pathway that I’m currently walking on as I go on in life lets in a shaft of life through the constant gloom and fogginess before me. But it’s just so inconvenient. I only get this feeling at night, when it’s just me awake in my room – the only one still lit up during the early hours of the morning. I’d wait for the sky to transform from a deep black to a light shade of blue. I would open my door and let orange light spill in until golden blocks on my door tell me that the sun rose above the horizon. I’d walk out of my room, and look at the natural beauty beyond my window shine before me with the silence of my house embracing my shoulders. Right about then my mind would make me feel older; a new me around the age of 25 would come out and narrate my thoughts and feeling in a silky and soothing way as if it were reading a poem straight from a storybook. Words of a smarter, more brilliant me would flow through my insides and envelop me in a warming cocoon. If I went downstairs to drink a cup of chocolate milk as I watched the sun continue its ascent, I wouldn’t fall asleep until the first stirrings of someone in my home, when my peace was disturbed. But during those graceful times that I live for, I am not just a typical teenager but someone with confidence and promising. Great lines and phrases run through my mind at these times, but they go on without being recorded. Unspoken. Unwritten. My mind is trapped within me. Or maybe it is I who is trapped within my mind. No one can ever know what is going on in through my head during my most peaceful moments because I could never tell them to anyone who would understand. No one could ever see the world as I see because I simply will not share it with them. I want to show someone what I think and feel without feeling like I’m just a self centered narcissist preaching insane ramblings to a faceless crowd, but I don’t think I can trust anyone to really relate. I think I lost that a long time ago.
I know I talk about my insomnia a lot (perhaps a little too much), but I love it too much. These are the moments I live for. On road trips I’d sleep every time we travel between sites when everyone’s gawking at the places that we drive by, but I’d stay awake for the times we would drive to the actual destination city from our house and stare at the stars outside my window while everyone sleeps beside me. Those are the most exhilarating parts of road trips, believe it or not. I love those moments. The feeling that bubbles up inside me… Oh, if you could feel it. I don’t understand why everyone hates it so much. They act like it’s some vicious plague turning you into vampiric monsters. I mean, during school and work I guess it is understandable, but I would never want to get rid of my insomnia for anything in the entire world. It’s the only time I feel like myself in my whole entirety, not just some cropped up version of me put up for different people to see. I can never be the bubbly and comically witty person and/or hot guy that attract readers to blogs. I can only be that far too dramatic pessimist unsure about life because of her tight grip on reality that I’ve always been (well, since this past year).
So question of the day? Got anything that makes you feel awesome and light hearted all the time? Perhaps it’s a particular moment in time that gives you a lot of energy (like me with my pre-dawn feelings). Or maybe it’s a special someone that I don’t really want to hear about (but if he/she is REALLY the only answer to this question, then fire away without making me gag too much). It could be anything that just makes you feel better (besides chocolate, because everyone usually feels better after eating that).
TWGS ♥
P.S. Sorry for no actual basis to this post or a little graphic I promised every post would have. I wrote this just for the simple pleasure of finally writing things down. I just wrote.
But if you really care about details of my life, I am currently reading four books (Peeps, Wicked, Compound, and Along for the Ride), I woke up at midnight last night and didn't sleep until noon, and I joked about having a first date to my sister when we went to the park yesterday and I talked to Bobby who immediately brought up questions from my sister and her boyfriend after she left. She totally believed the first date thing *shakes head* I also took forever figuring out which books to bring home when I went to the library two days ago (I promised myself to only stick to four) and freaked out when I found out the completely insane plot twist at the end of City of Bones (I don't think I could ever get over that...).
It's sad when the only news in your life is about books.
