Dear Future Self

Every now and then I like to look back at things I've kept. I have boxes and folders and drawers stuffed with old sketchbooks and cards and journals and notes. I haul each of things from one apartment to another, year after year. And though I always move house without the help of movers, I can never bring myself to throw away these mostly untouched items. I keep them because they are a time capsule. They capture who I was at the moment I wrote them. I've written or drawn about everything - my fears, my hopes, things I'm grateful for, things I'm excited for, the thoughts I have while on the precipice of a mental breakdown. Whenever I go through these for review, I often find that I am not the same person. Me of the past has nothing and everything to do with me of the present. Keeping these pieces of my past reminds me to keep things in perspective.

That's why I keep this blog. It was who I was at 15 and, briefly, who I was at 21. But now at 27, I'm much further removed from both of those people. Almost everything I said in the previous retrospect became a lie. Things happened that I never would have expected (like a global pandemic). Life threw me for a loop and my reactions to these changes surprised me. There was a period of time where the thought of ending it all was the loudest and realest thought in my head. Luckily, that thought never turned to action. And I'm so thankful that it didn't, because in the 15 years since I started dealing with recurring depression, this is the longest I have ever felt happy (close to 2 years, if anyone's counting).

I know it's very likely that this streak will end. I will fight so hard to make sure it doesn't, but so much of what happens in life is out of your control. I can't guarantee my future happiness. I can't even guarantee that what makes me happy now will continue making me happy. I can only hope that when I find myself at the bottom of a pit again, I have the strength to climb back out. But maybe what I can offer my future self now is a road map to how I got out last time.

Dear future self,

For most of 2021, I cried every day and contemplated death more and more each time I did. In retrospect, Bella dying on January 10 was a very inauspicious start to the year. But in 2023, I smile more often than I cry. Dread is replaced with hope. I won't pretend the path from point A to point B was easy, but at least I know that it is possible. If you find yourself back to square one, this is how I found my way to where I am now.

Change Your Situation

I put myself in a surprisingly shitty situation in 2021. David's daughter moved to Illinois to live full time with us. At the time, I thought I really loved being around children. Turns out, being with my nieces and nephews for a few hours at a time before they went home to their parents is infinitely different than being a full-time caregiver. It's so much harder, and I have to sacrifice a lot of control to do it. I've learned that I need control over my space, my situation, and my time. I've also learned that I clearly shouldn't be a mother because of that.

So instead of waiting around for others to change or for my feelings to change about it, I moved out. I was lucky enough to find my own inexpensive place close to where I was working at the time. It was hard to adjust at first, but David and I were too stubborn to break up and we made it work. And it worked really well. I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. My space was entirely my own. It helps that Macy's mom moved to Illinois, too, and started to take care of her on the weekends.

Later, we found a duplex that was renting out both units. We essentially live together again, but I have my space, and they have theirs. There was an adjustment period to this situation, too, but we make it work. I have my time and activities, and they have theirs. We can do things together or separately, and both are okay. The situation you find yourself in is mostly luck, but you do have the power to change it if you didn't like the dice you rolled.

Accept Yourself

Contrary to the last point, I don't think changing yourself is possible. You can change your living situation or your job, but you are fundamentally who you are, growth mindset be damned. Finding real, sustainable change in yourself is more so about figuring out how your brain is wired to work and using that to create supports that work for you.

This is easier said than done, but somehow a flip just switched in me one day. Once I changed my situation, I was on my own. I had to figure out how to do things by myself. I knew myself well enough to know how my brain worked and what I had a tendency to do. Even now, though I'm a different person than I was when I was 15, I have the same tendencies in behavior. Instead of wishing that I was different, like I had the previous 25 years of life, I just started working with I had.

I remember crying in my kitchen one day because I was eating a sad dinner of eggs and rice at like 8 pm. I was crying because I thought I was pathetic for only doing that much for a meal. But I also distinctly remember saying to myself, "This is the best I can do right now, and at least I'm eating." That train of thought stuck with me.

Just for reference, future self, I think you have ADHD. I know everyone thinks that about themselves now that the internet has robbed us all of longer attention spans, but genuinely I think you've had it all along. All of your quirks and "bad" habits could be explained by ADHD. Everything that you hated about yourself growing up was likely a symptom of ADHD. But that's just how it is.

Find a Community

Turns out you're an extravert. I know, it's super shocking. You're a shy one, but an extravert, nonetheless. You love being connected to other people and being part of a community. If you find yourself in a pit, it's likely because you lost those connections. Find those again, and you'll be able to climb out of the pit.

Some strategies that have worked for me are to reconnect with old friends and to get involved with your local community. I hope you still live in Elgin because it is so easy to find something to be involved in with other like-minded people (also, I love Elgin so much please do not move elsewhere in the future). Volunteer for something. Text someone you haven't talked to in a while. Make plans to get a coffee with someone. Go to a city council meeting. Check Facebook for the next local event. Heck, even just spend some time walking around your neighborhood and looking at everything from a different angle. Doing these things regularly has helped me strengthen my connection to the world around me.

Create Stuff

I firmly believe that the meaning of life is creation. Genuinely, our evolutionary purpose is to repopulate and create new life. All forms of creation beyond that are an attempt fo fulfill that need. Of course, as previously stated, you can't be a mother. So go make anything else.

Being in art school burned me from ever wanting to create on my own time. There was too much pressure to be perfect. But you don't have to be perfect to create something for yourself. You can do literally anything you want as long as your hands are busy making stuff. Even in the pandemic, when I was unemployed and losing hope, I had a lot of fun putting together a miniature dollhouse kit.

And because I know you, lean into whatever new hobby sparks your interest. I don't care what it is, indulge in it. I know it's going to be something creative and you're gonna be too cheap to get all the materials for it, but figure out how to do it and just fucking do it. Don't worry if it's only going to last a month like it normally does. It doesn't matter. Just make it happen.

Here's a prompt for you, if you're stuck on what to make. Get out a piece of paper and something(s) to draw with. Or maybe cut out some magazines or make a diorama. What would a happy future look like or feel like? And when you're done visualizing that, write about what you can do to make it a reality.

-

Future self, I hope you live in this period of happiness for several more years. But even if you don't, I know you can find yourself in a new period of happiness again. Remember that when you faced the darkest of days, the brightest ones you've ever had were just beyond them.

Good luck, and I love you.

TWGS ♥

In Retrospect

It's funny how much changes in a few years.

I can't believe it's been seven years since I've had this blog. It doesn't feel like it's been that long, but I'm a very different person from who I was back then. I've merely grown up. Now it pains me to go through memory lane of the two years I wrote for this blog because 1) I was very obnoxious. Who let people on the internet write that way? and 2) It hurts me to see and relive all of the pain and insecurities I felt as a teenager that was only thinly veiled by sad attempts at humour. 

But the truth is that I haven't felt the way I did as a sophomore in a really long time. I spent so much of my youth so sad and confused. I got hung up on things that didn't even really matter. I never would have known back then that by 21 I would actually be very happy with my life. I have a major that I love. I have a strong support system. I'm more confident and sure of myself. I have a boyfriend of three years whom I intend to marry. I have taken a chance on myself and my career to take an internship in a city I've never been to before and I am killing it. And while I could certainly complain about a lot of things, I can't complain about any of the things that I used to when I was honestly just a kid. I wish I could go back and tell 15 year old me that it really does get better. I wish I could tell her not to be so afraid of time or change because you need them to really begin to heal.

I showed my boyfriend this blog and pointed specifically to the post titled "Mae" because it saddened me the most to read. After reading it he said, "I think you ended up becoming Mae." And while I think my past self would have been so flattered to know that, I just don't think that's true. I'm still shy and awkward. I still wish I could just be better at being witty and not so nervous around people. I still have moments where all the insecurities I have bubbles up in me and boils over. I'm just no longer miserable. I've learned to count my blessings instead of damning my curses because I really am so, so lucky to have what I have. I just wish that younger me recognized this sooner.

I can't say if all the pain I went through was necessary to make me who I am today. It wasn't something I overcame; it was just something that melted away as I got older. But I can say that my past self didn't have to worry so much. I don't understand why I clung so desperately to the present back then when it sucked so much. I didn't have to fear what lay ahead of me because everything is so much better than it was.

TWGS ♥

Day 6: Braceface HappyTube

Hola, muchachos!

Is that even right? I don't know a lick of Spanish so I don't fucking know.
In any case, I spotted a robot this morning! And not just one of those little toy imitation robots. It was a legitimate robot! I have photographic evidence.

CALL ME PURPLE MOUTH!
Pretty fucking scary, right?
I don't know about you, but I almost shat myself when I saw this picture:

You'll all see this outside your window tonight.
But yes, I did in fact get my braces this morning.I can now join the ranks of those Metal Mouths and Bracefaces! One of these days I shall join the select few that get their first kiss with braces on. Unless of course, I don't kiss anyone in the next three years.... in that case that would be really pathetic and I should join my own type of Forever Alone, party of one. But even if that doesn't happen, I will still be able to join the elite Metal Mouths that graduate from high school with their braces on.
These are not groups you want to get into, kids.
The good part about all this is that I get a shit load of free dental stuff. I got this whole survival kit for taking care of your braces and even if you don't like taking care of your teeth at all the stuff that is included would make you excited. Dude, you even get this professional electric brush that comes in a super huge box. Look at it!

I don't even know half of the things that are included in this. Seriously. What the hell is super floss, anyway? What's so super about it? It just looks like a bunch of thread to me. I don't understand!


In any event, as it is a newer day than yesterday, that means the 30 Day Challenge must continue on!

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

Now I was going to take an actual picture of something three dimensional, but the more I thought of it the more I realized that it was pretty much impossible. So I decided to draw it out instead.

Thought I was going to draw music, eh? Well music still plays a big part of this.
Thinking three dimensionally, it took me quite some time to figure out what made me happy. Sure, I enjoy a lot of things, but none of them live on strong for too long. If you know anything about me, you would know that my muse and drive for several things come in little bursts. One week I'll be drawing like no one's business. Another week I'll be reading one book per day. Then before you know it I'll be looking up a band and listening to them nonstop for that entire week.
What matters most is that in between these weeks there will probably be months lacking of inspiration or will to do anything. During this time I will be feeling depressive and angry at everything. I will be sensitive to a lot of things people say and over-analyze almost everything that happens to me.
So what do I turn to in these troubling times?
YOOCHOOB, as my mother would say *cough*
Seriously though. I could be angst filled to the highest degree and on the verge of smashing my head in or bawling my eyes out and all I would need to do to feel better in minutes is watch a hilarious video from one of my favourite YouTubers. It's hard not to smile and laugh at their videos. My issues may still exist, but these people talking to their cameras to entertain people let me take my mind off all of that for a few minutes (that is, until I keep clicking on a chain of their videos and a few minutes turn into several hours). Plus, if they're good looking it makes watching them act like idiots even more enjoyable. Oh the things attractive people do when it's just them and their camera.
MYSPACE ANGLES PHOTOSHOOT!
But they don't need Myspace angles too look good. Psh, who am I kidding?

It doesn't even have to be a YouTuber to make me happy. YouTube is the source of much of my music and I absolutely love it when I find new talent by clicking on related videos. In fact, for the past couple of days I have been looking for really awesome dubstep remixes (which is weird of me, seeing as I usually don't like remixes). They're really hard for me to find because I'm super picky about everything, especially build ups and bass drops. However, through YouTube I have found this dude who goes under the name of Eos. His mixes are freaking EPIC and I could listen to them nonstop. He even has a mix of songs on his Soundcloud that is an hour long. It's just made my life five times better since I found him.

But it is because of my love of YouTube that I have been wanting to join the YouTube community for the better part of 3 maybe 4 years. And I almost made it... until I realized how crappy Windows Movie Maker is and what limited amount of space I have on my camera....
SUPERHEADDESK.
I nearly cried.
Since then, I've kind of given up trying due to the fact that I'm just so freaking lazy. Honestly. I really wish that my webcam could record videos, but it's just another crappy feature of my laptop. But one of these days, m'dears, I will actually make a video. I can't live off YouTube if I don't start making videos, now can I?

TWGS ♥

Day 5 aka The Day You Learn About Every Emotion I've Bottled Up

HAPPY BOXING DAY!
Don't know what Boxing Day is? Well then you probably suck.
Because that means you're not Canadian or from the UK or Australian.
Or you're obviously not cool enough to know what it is.
Psh. Psh. Yet you call yourself one of my readers.
But if you're a new reader or someone who just happened across this...
You still suck if you don't know what Boxing Day is.
But that's all irrelevant to this post because it's time for DAY FIVE OF THE CHALLENGE!

Day 5: A song to match your mood

 Oh YAY!
However, prepare to be depressed.

Today's choice song is Why by Secondhand Serenade
What? I listen to Secondhand Serenade?
The answer to that is yes and no. Yes I listen to Secondhand Serenade, but only when I'm depressed and need someone to understand my emotions without being as cryptic as Fall Out Boy's lyrics.
But now that you've heard my brief explanation on that, you're probably thinking "Oh, God. Oh holy shit. Gemmie's about to go on a rampage about her personal life oh my God take cover!"
For those of you who DO feel like that, I shall sign you off right now with this:

TWGS ♥

However for those of you who DO care about me, this is all predictably about a guy. He's Flirty Dick I've Fallen Hard For Who Just Makes Life Even More Difficult With Everything He Does Number Two. Don't I have great taste?
Basically, I have a really uncanny knack or falling really hard for boys who shouldn't be worth my time because they like someone else and everyone knows this for fact.
You know what I just realized? The two girls that both Flirty Dicks have gone after instead of me are both short and Mexican (and also like 5x cuter than me but that's beside the point). Sorry, Stacy, but it is FACT.   
So what? Do I have to shrink down in size and know some Spanish in order to become attractive to people? I'm already Asian! Am I not short enough?! And not only am I Asian, but I am freaking FILIPINO, THE MEXICANS OF ALL THE ASIANS. I can't get any more Mexican than I already am and sorry if I can't do anything about my cuteness level. I am only Filipino and I am not kawaii enough for a typical Asian.
Anyway, if you need a nae for the bane of my existence, her name is Veronica.
Oh, did you think I was going to tell you the name of FD No. 2? To hell I am! He's forever just going to be known as Number Two on here. I am however going to give you the name of the girl he's going after in case  any of you are trained assassins and kick some major ass like Cataleya in Columbiana or Hit Girl in Kick-Ass. I leave you these clues: Veronica. 9. Short. Mexican. Looks a bit Asian. Has a stuffed panda. If she's hanging out with or talking to a guy with a plaid blue sweater or white gloves that light up at the fingertips, you've found the right one.
But I don't think assassinating her would help anyone. But if you are the boss of anyone whose daughter fits under this description, it would be greatly appreciated if you relocated their family. 
I kid, I kid.
But wait, wait, wait. This isn't about the song at all.


So, about the song... it is basically all of my emotions in the simplest form it can be expressed in. Take the chorus, for example.
Why do you do this to me?
Why do you do this so easily?
You make it hard to smile because
You make it hard to breathe.
Why do you do this to me?
I don't even know how to explain it any further without being any more when it's clearly written RIGHT THERE. But I don't know. It just... It seems like No. 2 can control my emotions so forcefully with nothing more than a single sentence passed between two dudes or say, a change in his profile picture (>_>). Yet he doesn't know what an effect this has on me so he continues to do these things without thinking, "Oh, is this going to hurt anyone?" because he doesn't fucking know all because I'm a huge wimp full of nothing but emotion-beaten mush. And that whole "You make it hard to smile because you make it hard to breathe" part? That isn't because he takes my breath away (okay, partially), it's because I'm too busy freaking out over everything that I forget to breathe sometimes (it's still pretty accurate either way, though).
Let's move on to two lines:
I don't think I knew the chaos I was getting in.
and
I should have known it wasn't real
And fought it off and fought to feel.
Line 1: If you told me from the beginning that I was going to fall hard for this guy and end up feeling like my emotions have screwed my insides to a pulp because of a few things I see on Facebook, I would have said, "Yeah, that sounds like me but with this guy? Sure, he's cute, but I hardly know him." Usually, I start liking new guys all the time, but it's never really serious. It's just the more you interact with me, the more likely I'll develop a two week crush on you or something. I never really develop anything more than the feeling of "Oh, I really hope he talks to me today and we have an interesting conversation" and "I'm really excited to see him next block!" The last time I've had fangirl emotions over a guy, the whole thing only lasted two weeks, so I never expected to develop actual and deep feelings over anyone other than Flirty Dick No. 1. 
Line(s) 2: In the middle of all this, I had a bunch of people say that Number Two was a dick and that he's a major flirt. Hell, he's even told me this himself. We've had many conversations where he's talked to me like a bro instead of "a possibility" (>_>). Did I listen to them? FUCK TO THE NO. I just kept on going, knowing all these infamous things about him and all these reasons as to why I shouldn't go on. And I've tried convincing myself to stop everything. To just stop liking him and move on to someone new. Believe me. I almost smashed my head in over Thanksgiving break because of this. Yet I continued. I kept holding on to these little, insignificant moments I've had with him that meant absolutely nothing at all when I should have fought off every emotion that came my way.
But alas. I'm in too deep now. You'd have to perform an inception on me in order to snap me out of everything.


Oh, and if you read all of that, congratulations. You now win the title of being the most awesome person ever and you probably know more about everything than my own best friend does.


This challenge will go down in history as the 30 Days You Learned Too Much About Gemmie's Personal Life.


TWGS ♥

Day 4: Merry Parent-mas?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, DAHLINGS!


Did you know that you could make it snow on any video on YouTube? I just found out yesterday :D
I didn't get you a gift. Sorry. I was too lazy to actually make a Christmas graphic. I just... I couldn't be bothered.
If it makes you feel any better, no one besides my Secret Santa got anything from me. Well actually I made something for two people but those were creations I thought of gifting while I was in the middle of creating them.
I did, however, change up the banner/layout a bit again if it has failed your notice. Putting TWGS ♥ on the blue chopsticks were also something I thought of in a rather last minute/spur of the moment manner. I already had a series of paint photos handy, it just wasn't until I was staring at my old banner in disgust did I decide to put my end tag on the other side of my blue chops. The other side, in case you were wondering, says "GEMS ^_^" my preferred nickname from my friends.
And for those of you immensely curious,

• Yes, those are indeed bottle caps full of paint above the chopsticks. I'm not fancy enough for a palette so I had to improvise. Seeing as I have like 500 soda bottles (of primarily Mountain Dew, no less) lying around in my room, it seemed only logical to use their caps.
• That triangular object in the top left is my metals project. It is a Deathly Hallows symbol with Harry's lightning bolt scar replacing the Elder Wand. I kind of purposely displayed it there kind of to say "WARNING: Huge Harry Potter Nerd ahead." Not that anyone would ever understand that without explanation. It was actually mistaken as a triforce before... which is perfectly acceptable.

But let's be serious. None of you actually cared about that.

If that is the case, well then the other layout changes are just because I thought it looked better. No need for my ramblings anymore.

Anyway, even though it is Christmas, I still need to continue with this challenge. You don't need to hear a Christmas story from me, anyway, seeing as it wasn't even that much of a Christmas this year. First reason being the fact that there's no snow here. Stupid Chicago.

Day 4: Your parents

Uh...
I really hope you mean just talk about who my parents are...
Because I honestly know nothing about my parents. I don't think I know anything about anyone in my family. At all. I'm a major loner when it comes to my familial background. No one talks to me and no one has the time. Don't think that just because I have a big family that it's always crowded in my house at all hours of the day. It's actually really empty most of the time except for me and my brother (and brother in law... I guess) because it's not like we can go anywhere. I really wonder what it's like for my brother when I have club stuff to go to....
But anyway, this is about my parents. And because I know close to nothing about them, I've decided to make up for it.

So this is my mom.
She's a smoker and a show-off.
Her style is gaudy and ostentatious.
I had the dear misfortune of inheriting her screwed up nose and flat ass. Not to mention her stubbornness.
If it weren't for her 50% of DNA stored in my body, I'd probably have a good self image..
I also think she may be the source of our family's artistic genes. I'm not sure though.
However, I kind of don't like her.
But no worries because neither do my sisters.
I've never really had a motherly figure before. My mother was always just the person who cooked and cleaned but complained about it. I guess all moms are like that, but at least with your typical moms they'll go to your school concerts and hold you when you cry. My mom has never done that for me and I'm pretty sure she hasn't done that for any of her six children.
That's all you really need to know about her...

This is my dad.
(Don't mind the writing on the side)
He's chubby and positive.
He's a really old-fashioned man. Not to mention old (he's 53).
People say that I'm the one that looks like him the most, though I still can't see it.
I inherited his intelligence and his corniness. Also his inability to catch a ball.
He's awesome.
I only really care about my dad.
I'll often say that if I ever make it to Canada, the only thing that will bring me back to the States for an extended amount of time is my dad's funeral. Or that my dream wedding doesn't have anything except for the man I love at the end of the aisle and my dad to walk me to him.
Dad is the support system in our family. He was the only one in my family to attend my fifth grade graduation and even went to the final show of the musical when I was in grade eight even though I was only crew. Sometimes he doesn't go to these things because he says they're all pretty much the same, but I understand. He's the only one that ever goes to these functions, anyway.
Dad is also the easiest to talk to. Whenever my mom and I have a spat (which isn't to often anymore since she comes home late and only bothers me to poke her head through the door and ask me if I ate) and she left me as a fleshbag of tears, my dad will try to cheer me up somehow and say stuff like, "Your mom's like that. Don't mind her." I come to him first when I want to go somewhere or to get a form signed. However, it's been hard to do so since he's gone during the week. So usually if I want to do something it has to be for school or my friends have to come to my house.

But basically, my mom sucks. My dad rocks.
Also, if you're wondering, my parents don't really look like that. They actually have faces (plus it was a really bad interpretation of how they look like).

Anywho, Merry Christmas dearies!
And if you haven't seen this yet, you probably either suck or live under a rock.


TWGS ♥

Day 2/3: Names and Loves

Shush.
I know I skipped yesterday but I purposely did that so I could squash days two and three together because day two can easily be explained in less than an actual paragraph.

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

That's What Gemmie Said is PRETTY self explanatory. I am dirty minded and I shoot off sexual jokes as much as possible and when the opportunity strikes. If you use "That's What She Said" in the right context, I promise you that I will either chuckle or laugh my ass off.
But also, in a nonsexual way, putting my name instead of she would sound like, "Oh, that's what Gemmie said on her blog last week!" or something of the sort. It's kind of like I had something important or funny or witty to say every time I sign off a blog post like that. But... I don't know. I can't really explain this through words XD

Day 3: Your first love

Hmm... This one's a bit more difficult.
Actually, it really isn't. I know who I'm going to talk about, even though the current affairs of my affections are too entangled in someone else right now to even give a crap about my supposed first love. But I will always know who to write about when on the topic of first love, even though he was never mine to begin with. I don't want to name names, but if you know me then you would know who I'm talking about.
So I met my supposed "first love" back in the beginning of grade six. And since then it's just been a downward spiral of shit and tears. Honestly. Whenever I think back on the memories I've had involving this guy I can only remember heartbreak and tears everywhere. Sure, we've had a ton of good times together but I think after every one of them I go back home and write a note expressing all my emotions, which can be summed up in, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT MINE?" But I always knew the answer and it hurt like hell whenever I thought about it.
And you know, upon meeting him, we've basically morphed into each other. I tell people I created most of who he is today. He tells others that I'm basically the female version of him because we're just so freaking alike in every possible way. Yet somehow we can almost never agree on anything. I rag on him about something, he rags on me. A few "FUCK YOU"s are flung (although he'll say "Fuck me sideways!" or "Gurl, you make my head numb!") and then I end up slapping him across the face and he throws in a "Bitch!" or something of the sort.
Sounds like real love, right?
Well, I always felt it was a playful part of our routine. And it was, really. We've had a love/hate relationship going on for the better part of almost 5 years and it always just worked that way.
But the tragic part about it is that my love has always gone unrequited with him. For four years.
Four. Fucking. Years.
What's worse is that his heart always favoured my best friend. It was a whole Midsummer's Night Dream ordeal with us. Except there was never a second man for my best friend to be in love with and no one loved me, accidental or not.
And well, it was because of this that I have spilled many tears in his name. It was only twice (wait... three times?), really, but it was still a lot and it hurt like fuck. Nothing hurt more than when those dumbasses fucking pranked me into thinking that my best friend lost her fucking virginity to him. It was a bitch slap across the face, a punch to the stomach, and an arrow to the knee (...I had to). That night I just revealed all the tears to her and she still regrets it.
It actually kind of makes me feel like a shitty friend. Like it sounds like that I don't want her to be happy with him because I'm the one that loves him. But I don't know exactly how she really felt about everything (because she never fucking tells me anything) and she's the one that he loves (don't fucking deny it) so I have no right to be selfish about anything. It still hurts sometimes. Hearing about it. Hearing about what happened when I wasn't around or looking. And even if I didn't have any feelings about anything at all, it still sucks knowing that no one ever tells me anything about anything EVER.
Right now it's actually kind of weird thinking that I've felt this way about him for so long, especially since I've fallen hard for someone new and completely crashed with that in less than three months. But I think he'll always be my lobster like Rachel is for Ross on Friends (heh heh... heh...) no matter who else I fall for throughout the years. Honestly, that thought kind of scares me, considering the number of cracks my heart has suffered through because of him. To think, if he's still my lobster by the time graduation comes by and I still haven't gone out with him, I would have been in unrequited love with him for seven years. Since I was ten. Almost a fucking decade. That's really difficult for me to grasp.
For now he's just Flirty Dick I've Fallen Hard For Who Just Makes Life Even More Difficult With Everything He Does Number 1. I'm currently dealing with Number 2. Sometimes I wonder if my emotions would be easier to handle if I were just lesbian.

Well.
That was probably a lot more about my personal love life than you ever wanted to know on Christmas Eve.
Good thing it doesn't feel like Christmas this year.
....
Shut up.
I'm heartbroken.

Merry Christmas, all.

TWGS ♥

Day 1: 15 Facts

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

I'll have you know that went through a lot of trouble for that picture.

Yay Myspace angles!

Okay, so introduce myself, eh? Alright.

Well online I go by Gemmie, which isn't too far from my real name but I just think it looks cooler. I'm fifteen years of age and am currently a sophomore at a sucky school that's about to get suckier because it's part of the crappiest school district in the world. If you live in northern Illinois, you might know of this district because of its infamy. I'm a fangirl of many fandoms with too many issues to name. My birthday is on the fourth of November and I expect some motherfucking gifts next year. But for now, all I want for Christmas is snow.

I'm going to assume that they mean 15 interesting facts about me.

lol I don't even know what to consider interesting... but here goes.

[ FACT 1 ]

My initials can spell my first name (and there are actually a lot of things to do with my initials but we'll just keep it to that).

[ FACT 2 ]

I started kindergarten at the age of 4 and I am willing to bet you that I am the youngest person in my grade. My friend Isaac is probably the second youngest, as he is only two or three weeks older than me.

[ FACT 3 ]

I can act more Mexican than my Mexican friend and yet I am Asian.

[ FACT 4 ]

I am a Canadian in Training and plan to spend the rest of my life in Canada once I get there. In fact, the only thing I am completely and totally sure about what I want to do in my life is to run away to Canada and never come back to this wretched country. The only event that would ever make me come back for an extended amount of time is if my father dies.

[ FACT 5 ]

The second term of algebra in grade seven is the reason why I didn't get an award for keeping up a 4.0 GPA for all three years in middle school at my eighth grade recognition night. I am forever angry at this fact because it was an upperclassmen class and if I were an average student I wouldn't even have taken it until grade eight. They can't even recognize that I was one of the only ten students that year who took math in the high school in the morning and still managed to keep straight A's throughout that entire year.

[ FACT 6 ]

The thought of graduation, and the rest of my life, being only two years away scares me. If I start thinking about the future and what I want to do for too long, I start to get depressed because it seems like all my other friends have an idea of what they want to do and are already working towards it. Yet here I am, with a lot of potential but not direction or motivation. It terrifies me to think that I'll be like 25 and still wondering.

[ FACT 7 ]

I write my time and dates the British way. If I were to write today's date with the time being 6 in the evening, it would look like, "22/12/11 at 18:00." Apparently this (and how I spell most things the British way as well), bothers some people.

[ FACT 8 ]

One of the only reasons why I am attracted to the colour blue is because I associate my crush with the colour, as he has blue eyes and wears the same blue sweater all the time (also because it looks good with purple, my favourite colour). And while we are still on the topic of my crush, I am going to openly admit that he is also one of the reasons why I want to get into AP Chem next year instead of Physics (even though I probably won't even be interested in him by that time because I'm flaky like that).

[ FACT 9 ]

The first time I cried in a book was when -SPOILER ALERT- Zane died in Specials by Scott Westerfeld (which I read after the Harry Potter series, mind you). When he died I bawled through the next two chapters all the while biting on the ear of a Care Bear to try to stop the tears. After I finished the book I wrote a letter to Mr. Westerfeld about my feelings of the series and how I cried during that scene. I lost it, but the Uglies trilogy forever changed my outlook on the science fiction genre entirely.

[ FACT 10 ]

For my 14th and 15th birthdays, I met Scott Westerfeld and Patrick Stump respectively. I have taken pictures with both of them in which I look like crap, which can be seen here and here. During both meetings I made a complete fool of myself. When I met Scott Westerfeld I forgot to mention that it was my birthday the following week and so he didn't sign my book with such. However I managed to get him to tweet me "Happy Birthday!" and got an autograph for my friend who couldn't make it. When I met Patrick Stump I remembered to ask him to sign my portrait of him with "Happy Birthday!" but I forgot to get an autograph for my friend who couldn't make it.

[ FACT 11 ]

I have a really bad habit of picking at the dry skin on my lips (I never have chapstick) and biting on things that ought not to be in my mouth (not even in the dirty way, either). I don't even know. And while we're on the subject of mouths, whenever I look into the mirror with my mouth open I just get really angry at the fact that my teeth are so crooked that it's almost unsightly, even though I'm getting braces soon.

[ FACT 12 ]

No matter what, I am going to name my first born son Elijah Zane and he's going to be the cutest child in the world. My reasons for naming him Elijah Zane is because Elijah is a Degrassi reference (yes I realize Eli is the messed up bipolar one who crashed his hearse into a wall, but shhh) and because Zane, of course, is the first fictional character in a book to ever make me cry. If you asked me what I would name my son seven years ago, my answer would have been Jeremiah. If you asked me three years ago, the answer would have been Reese.

[ FACT 13 ]

Confession? I have cried over two guys I have never had because of the two girls that kept them out of my reach. One of these girls is my best friend, the other is a girl I've never personally met - only know of. Both of these guys could classify as dicks, but I've never felt as strongly about anyone as these two. Yes, I realize I'm crazy and no, I can't help it. Sorry, nice guys. I apologize for my lack of brains.

[ FACT 14 ]

I have made a Facebook page for appreciating my friend's magnificent beard, which is really just a fuzzy chin right now. When he shaves it right before graduation two years from now, our graduation party will couple as a ceremony in honour of his beard. However, he is terrified of what kind of party it would be with our group of friends all put together under one roof. Oh well. It's happening.

[ FACT 15 ]

For my birthday, I asked my dad 53 year old dad for a CD player. He looked at me and said, "Aren't those old? Do they even sell those anymore?" I got it anyway. He even went into Victoria's Secret with me later so I could get a perfume (which then led to my sister's teasing me about having a boyfriend -_-)

So yeah. There you go. 15 completely random facts about me/my life.

DAY ONE, YOU HAVE BEEN COMPLETED!

TWGS ♥